Ever since I started my blog, I seem to keep starting to write this post, and I never can quite finish it. It seems a few things have been holding me back. For one, I know I am such a ball of emotions that writing some sad parts of this will probably result in me being upset and eating my weight in chocolate. Also, I think if certain people that I used to know were to read this, they may be slightly miffed, and I really have no intention whatsoever of leaving anyone else upset. Even with these things in mind, I still really really want to write it, even if no one ever reads it, I will feel so much better to get all of this off my chest. I best start before I find a way to procrastinate…
After finishing my GCSE’s, I spent a summer relaxing and volunteering in a charity shop. In September, I went back to Sixth Form to study Biology, Chemistry, Theology and French. As fun as this may sound (sarcasm), after about a month of being at Sixth Form, I knew things really were not right with me. I had swapped my subject choices three times, and my indecisive self could not settle on a combination for me. Of course, every time I swapped subjects (from Chemistry to English Literature, and then back again), I kept getting behind. I spent like what felt every living moment working, I was having late nights every night to try and catch up, and on some mornings I was waking up at 5 am to try and finish my massive load of homework. I got myself into such a stressed out state, that my brain was constantly full of silly anxieties, so much so that I wasn’t even concentrating on the learning side, more on the getting homework in on time and catching up side. Yes- I was doing my homework. But no- I understood nothing because my brain was so full of stress. I was getting D’s and E’s in tests, which was stressing me out even more.
I spent three months in this state, at which point I had made myself genuinely ill. My hair was falling out in clumps, I had started to limit my eating and I had absolutely no life outside of school. I hated my subjects, and in all honesty at that time, the prospect of having to go through 3 more years of this hell at university really did not appeal to me. I knew I had to leave as in my state, there wasn’t really a point me staying as it was pretty probable that I would of failed. I’d just like to say, some of the reactions I received at this point really were not supportive in the slightest: “But you’re so smart!?”, “But you could do so much?” which just brings me onto the tangent that some people do not have any understanding of anxiety and mental illnesses at all, I should not of been made to feel that I was leaving because of a kind of laziness. Some opinions should remain in peoples brains.
After I left, I did feel a great sense of relief for the first few days. And then it dawned on me. I didn’t have a job, I didn’t have anything to do. I was a drop out. To be frank, I have never felt so worthless in my whole life. To be brief about it (to save myself from crying into the galaxy bar sat next to me), I stayed in my house for around a month and a half. I spent most of the day sleeping, and most of the night crying. The one thing that hurts me the most is that I told my ‘best’ friend how I felt. I asked her if we could meet up, as I had got really anxious about going out, and I knew that it was something I really had to work on. She didn’t have time to meet. She didn’t do anything. In the end me and her fell out because she felt I was placing blame for my sadness on her, which I really don’t feel I was. In my depressed state, I completely blamed myself. I thought I was in the wrong for telling her something so… personal. But now? I realise that if my friend told me they were depressed, and they asked for my help, I would make time and I would be there, because in reality that is what decent people do for their friends.
After around two months, I got a Christmas job which thankfully got me out of the house everyday, and made me regain a sleeping pattern which made me feel more human again. After that job, I managed to get my current job, which I honestly think saved me. I spent the weekends surrounded by lovely people who actually liked me, and I liked them equally. After a few weeks, I was offered a full time job there which gave me so much confidence back. Is it lame to say that my job at Primark literally brought me out of depression? That’s such a crazy thought, but honestly there is a lot of truth in it.
I worked full time for 7 months, and was reformed to my happy self. In this time, around three of my school friends contacted me. Even now, most of the time I only talk to my friends if I make the first effort. I don’t want to be seen as bitching, I know people become busy with their own things, and life does go on. However, I think my message really is, if you can, try and keep in contact with those once close to you. Having friends close can bring people happiness in their moments of weakness, and believe me when I say they will appreciate you for it.
Right now, I am in my second year of Sixth Form at a different school. I managed to live through Year 12 with very little stress. I am healthy, and for the majority of the time I am now happy. Leaving my original sixth form was probably the best thing I have ever done; instead of failing like I believe I would have, I came out of my first year with ABBC, whilst studying English Literature, Business, French and Biology, and I will be applying to study Law at university very soon.
Not only has this post got a lot of my chest, it has also hopefully helped my new friends and blogging friends get to know me a little better. Therefore, thank you so much for reading this, it really means a lot that I have a little bundle of readers that I can share these kinds of things with. Being welcomed into the blogging community has been lovely for me, and I really hope to make more new friends here in the future. Bye for now 🙂 xxx